More Drama....

When did my life become so riddled with drama? Why do people have to make me act like a royal bitch? I was trying really hard not to get ignorant with this chick, who by the way, is still calling my phone but there is no escaping it. I was trying to ignore her and dealing with it by writing my rants on here (my self prescribed therapy) but that is not working anymore. She called my phone again today and that was the last straw. I do not play around when it comes to my work. I have things that I want to accomplish and this job is helping me do that. My cash flow/focus gets messed up and I am irate. She did that today….I got nothing accomplished. She hasn't called me since last Saturday when I let her know that I do not want her man. So me being the fool that I am, I think that she is satisfied and that this is finally over with. Today I get a private call on my cell, I thought it was my sister cause she is going through some mess. I pick up, no one answers…so I hang up. Two minutes later the person calls again that time I don't answer (if it's my sister she will understand)…this happens about 5 more times. They leave a voicemail…I got out to lunch and check the message…who is it? That stupid chick! The fact that she is still calling me boils my blood…and what makes me even madder is that she feels that she is bad enough to threaten me….when she sees me outside…What exactly are you going to do? So now I am pissed I forward the message to a few friends of mine and some of her family members with an intro saying…this is what happens when people have too much time on their hands, this is why she has no time to take care of her family. Now, my mind starts clicking….I need as much information on this dumb chick as I can get. I paid a little money got her address when she lived in FL…her BK address, work address and some other important things. I am going down to the police station to file a report (I hate the police so if I say I am going to the police you know shit is serious....I got to cover my ass). I save everything..and I have lots of threats and harassment record..dumb ass chick. I called my friend who works as a professional criminal and he going to hook me up nicely. I have some pictures of her doing nasty things..like putting a dick in her mouth…that along with some others are going up on the internet…..I'm blowing some of those shits up and posting them up at her job. No holds barred. I had enough and I am going to make her miserable.

Therapy

As if I wasn't messed up and confused already…..guess who just called?? My ex…why oh why. Is it just me or does this ex thing seem to be becoming more and more of a problem these days? I am still in love with him (I'm not supposed to be but I am) and I am trying to deal with it. Some days are better than others but there are some really bad days where I just want to stay in bed all day. I mean I do eventually get up…it's not like I'm loaded and can stay in bed all day. Then he goes and calls me and makes matters worse. He was like do you still think about me..and I was stuck..I didn't know what to say. I was a little scared because I know the way that I get on when it comes to him. To be honest the whole conversation shocked me. I didn't know what to think at first then he got to the nitty gritty…he thinks that we need counseling because enough time has passed that we should not be thinking about each other. What we had could never happen again. What??.....My heart sank..definitely not what I wanted to hear. This is exactly the reason why I need to get over this thing…if I was over it stuff like this wouldn't bother me…He said something to me today which is so true. Our relationship is a blessing and a curse. I never want to be in another relationship like that again…It was great when it lasted but great things never last…...

Again with the crying....

The other day I wrote a post about my ex, how I had a dream about him la la la la la. That was a bad day for me but I got over it, went out with Kira had fun..I was fine. Even today started okay, I slept late, missed my morning workout but still I was in a relatively good mood. I made plans to hangout with my future sperm donor (not to be confused with boyfriend, guy I'm seeing or husband, who btw are the same person) everything was looking good for the weekend.
A couple minutes ago I got a call from an outside number…y'all know that the idiot (from venting) calls from an outside number, I picked up but didn't say anything just listening to see if it was the idiot so I could hang up. I hear the voice that I love say hello…my ex…I almost fell over trying to take the phone off of mute. I finally got it together an we talk for about 5 minutes. He told me that his daughter just turned 1 and he had a party for her…he wanted my permission to send me pictures. He also told me that one of our couple friends just found out that they are pregnant. I agreed to getting the pictures and we said our goodbyes. The news about our friends depressed me a little because I feel like everyone is having a baby…none of these people wanted one. I feel like it is never going to happen to me…I am going to end up being a bitter, lonely old lady. When I got the pictures I felt a little worse….the baby is very cute..she actually looks like his family a little. Of course because I am a cry baby, after looking at the pictures I had to excuse myself so that people didn't see me crying and think that I was crazy.
Ughh….what is wrong with me…I am happy for him and for my friends but I can't help being sad…..tonight is not going to be good. I will probably be in a foul mood and end up arguing with the sperm donor….I think that I might just stay home tonight.
I'm going to the gym…..maybe I'll feel better afterwards.

Stupid

OH MY GOD!!!!....What is wrong with negros?? Okay so remember the guy from Venting??? Why the hell is he still calling me? I mean he has been calling me everyday for the last two weeks. I have been strategically avoiding his calls but he caught me today…Damn it! I mean come on…what the hell is he trying to prove. If that chick calls me one more time popping shit (uh oh the ghetto came out) I will wait for her ass outside. With the way that he acts there is no way that she can think that I am the one that wants him…hell he is still calling from her phone..she can see the bill. He called me talking about he wants to see me, he wants to eat me out, he miss me, he can't take it anymore. Are you serious??....He can't be serious. And he has the audacity to tell me that he fell in love with me and will never be able to go back to being with this girl. What??!! He wants to leave her to come and be with me. What??!! I'm confused…why does this idiot want to leave his baby momma to be with me. I don't want you… we did what we had to do and that's it. It's over. What did I do to this boy?? I need to know so that I can do it to someone who I want…
Let me tell you how stupid this girl is:
- She burned his jacket and any clothes that she thinks that he wore when he was with me.
- She wants him to cut his hair (he is growing dreads) because she says that I am in his hair (if she only knew).
- She has to beg him to have sex (this from a reliable source--not him)
- Her man is leaving like two three messages on my phone everyday begging me to answer the phone, begging to eat me out, begging to be with me and she is calling my phone..yelling at me.
These people can't be serious.

Yesterday-Bad --- Today-Good

One of my best friends' was at my house(still at my momma's..still scared of my house) with my god daughter, when I got home. We talked for a while and I played with my god daughter…she is so cute…I started to feel so much better. Kira and I decided to go to this "lesbian" bar called Chueca. It was far as hell….when we finally got to the place I was like we are not coming back here again. We went in and the place was dead…there was one couple acting like hotels were never invented, a couple playing pool, the bartender, her girlfriend and another girl…I was like what the hell is this shit…we are definitely not coming back. Since we drove all that way we decided to have a drink and chill out for a while before the drive back. As we were sitting, drinking and talking the bartender came over and was trying to make small talk..she asked us our name, where we came from and stuff like that. At first I was thinking why the hell doesn't this chick leave us alone (yes add anti-social to my list)…but then Kira (being the nice person that she is) started talking to her and thus the "which way do you swing" conversation started. I said that I had my hand in both pots and Kira tried to say the same thing and I was like hell no..she has her hand in one pot…the honey pot. The bartender (Paula) liked that, so she started introducing us to all the girls in the bar (her girl was the cutest…I was like ummmmm), her mission is to find Kira a girl for a serious relationship. So anyway we started playing pool…my first time (Yea for me), it was fun..we played two rounds finished our drinks and left at about 1…I was exhausted. I drove Kira home and we were both hungry so we went to McDonalds…ok McDonald's and me never agree…we fight all the time. I eat it and always have a serious case of the runs afterwards (I'll tell you a funny very gross story later), I dropped her home and went home…of course I couldn't find any parking, I had to wait around forever and I was starting to feel sick. I got inside took my clothes off, called my future sperm donor and went to take a shower. I could feel the McDonald's churning in my stomach..at this rate I would never get to sleep…I threw up and felt so much better. I had a great night sleep and even woke up early (which was surprising being that I went to sleep at 2:30). This morning I had a good workout and am having dinner with the girls tonight.
I'd say it's going to be a good day… =)
PS - no matter what Kira says it was not my idea to go to the lesbian bar. She was the one that found it….I wanted to go to a lesbian strip club….
I promised a gross story…..this is not for the squeamish (Adm, Dno…that means you). Okay so remember I said McDonald's does not agree with me…every time I eat it I either have the runs or will need to throw up….but every once in a while I have it anyway…either because it's 2 AM and nothing else is open or everyone else is eating it or something (I'm greedy how about that). About a month ago me and my boyfriend were coming home late…we stopped at McDonald's to get something to eat, went home..took a shower, had sex and were about to get ready for bed. He was in the bathroom brushing his teeth and I was in the bedroom wrapping my hair. Now I knew the McDonald's was going to start violently churning but I thought I would be able to hold it down till the morning time…nope. I started feeling the cramps and was like shit…here we go. I yell out hurry up in the bathroom, I am going to need to go in 5 mins. I was trying to finish wrapping my hair before I went to the bathroom…but I started feeling like hmmm this stuff is not cooperating it is coming now…so I am holding in my butt, shielding with my hand trying to rush to the bathroom……I got to the door, was about to sit on the bowl and then I sharted….lol….it was the most disgusting, embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. Usually I would keep something like that to myself but I had to tell my entire family…they know me and the way I operate…taking that into consideration it was hilarious…I, me, Jaye sharted….nah…lol

Love Stinks

**Sigh** You know the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.", it's bull shit, I could slap the person who came up with that crap. It's better to have never loved at all, if you never have something then you can't possibly miss it.

I had a dream last night about my ex, the love of my life, the lost one. I jumped out of bed at like 6:30 and I was so sad that I started to cry, I was supposed to get up...I started to but I couldn't, I just rolled over pulled the sheets over my head and went back to sleep (which is why I got to work at 10 AM instead of 9 AM, could have gotten here on time but can't skip my workout)….the tears were rolling all throughout my workout, I was like my eye is bothering me that's why it's watering….I got them under control now but hell I still want to cry. I can't even remember the whole dream now…I was trying to remember all the details but I couldn't. I know it was about him and me seeing each other for the first time since all that mess happened. And I kind of just told him that I still loved him …and that I would give anything to have him back. As I was talking to him his baby's mother's head kept popping up into the dream…he was saying all the right things but some how it was like they (him and his baby mama) were making fun of me. It was awful…..I woke up thinking girl you are so sad. That made me depressed (cause I know it's true) and that's why I pulled the sheets up to hide and went back to sleep. I am sure that he is not thinking about me….it's been almost 2 years. When will I get over this shit?????

This is becoming a problem. I can't let myself be happy with anyone. No one measures up to all the things I loved about him….maybe I am being selfish but I want all that stuff…the bowleg, the full lips, the love of music, even his messed up toes and big head. He can cook and clean almost as good as I can, we have a lot of the same interests and ways of thinking. He can see my dreams (it least he could have), and he knows me, he knew all my moods…when to leave me alone, when I needed more attention. He is the only person that could make me think that I wanted to do something that I didn't really want to do, the only person whose opinion I considered when making decisions. Ugghhh!! What is wrong with me.

The guy that I am with now is nice enough, he doesn't cheat, does everything I ask him to do, he is great….minus the fact that he can do absolutely nothing for me mentally or financially (his help can't even put a dent in the household bills) and that I feel more like his mother than anything else. I kind of feel bad for him and I think that is the main reason that I am still with him…well that and the fact that I don't want to live by myself....my house is too big and too scary. I like him, he is cool, he can screw and he is cute, but I can't love him. I don't know maybe I was always a coldhearted bitch and that situation was an excuse for me to let it out. I never felt this way before though, I never looked down on love…I always loved love(if that makes sense)…being in love…watching people in love…making love. Now it disgusts me….making love…what???...we F**%$#! and that's the end of it, don't try cuddling, don't ask when you going to see me again…just get off and get out. (ummm I might let you stay the night..again because I don't want to be in my house by myself but don't touch me).
So not only am I a coldhearted bitch (venting), and raging bisexual(????), today I'm also confused and stupid……today is not a good day. =(

????

I just sat here and typed up this very long very interesting post about girl on girl fun and it disappears, I highlighted it to do a spell check and poof it's gone. That makes me so mad. There is no way that I am ever going to be able to replicate that. I'm giving the short version of everything…the first was about my embarrassing moment getting caught gawking at this cute girls' boobies while she was helping me with my makeup at the MAC counter in Macys. I couldn't help myself they were calling me…breasts on a platter get them while they're hot. I mean I have nice sizable breasts (DD), I could have looked at myself in the mirror but it just wouldn't be the same..
This weekend we went to Selena's (a strip club that my friends and I have been enjoying lately). It was me, Tae, her husband and my friend Kira. The place was packed so we were not able to get our usual front row seats. The owner brought some chairs and stuff for us but the club really wasn't cutting it…to many drunk little Mexican men trying to get in my friends' pants. We met up with two of Tae's males co-workers, who had someplace better for us to go to. They took us to this club called Infinity…we were driving for ever..I was like they are going to rape (Tae's husband included) and kill us all. Everybody thought it was funny but I was dead ass. We got to the club and it was cool. There was one girl that was off the hook. She was working the pole like nobody's business, hanging from the ceiling and doing all kinds of tricks…I was loving it.
Okay, so Tae and I got into this conversation about girls and she told me that at one point she went both ways…I was like for real???!!! I couldn't believe it, I have been wanting to tell her that about me for the longest but I was always like nah. Finally I told her about myself….I don't know why I was nervous about telling her in the first place. The strip club was good I had fun but next time I think I want to go to a club where there are only girls…girls dancing…girls bartending…girls tipping, anyone have any suggestions?
So yeah..I am a cheater and I like girls. St. Peter is definitely going to raise an eyebrow at me when I get to the pearly gates.

Venting

I need to vent....people are so stupid when it comes to "love" (myself included). I used to think that everyone should be monogamous. Love your man treat him right and he will love you back, life will be good we will all live happily ever after......bullshit! Men cheat...women cheat..it doesn't matter how good you are to them, it doesn't matter how faithful you are to them....Men don't really want that..they say they want a good girl, a wholesome woman but really...they treat them like shit then leave for chicks who have slept with the world. Can you tell that I got burned? I have. I do not take anything that anyone says at face value. I am always looking for the ulterior motive always looking for the game that people try to run on you. I have become a cynical, uncaring little bitch..there I have said it for the world to hear. I really don't care about much anymore...in no way shape or form do I have high expectations of anyone...if you aim low you really can't be surprised or hurt by stupidity. I just read my words and I am like damn...I used to be good..I really did. I was quiet and I cared what everyone thought and tried to make everyone happy. People just take advantage soo much, it's hard to keep being that way.

Anyway, that is not what I want to vent about. I cheated (I have been promoted from burnee to burner, but really is it cheating if you don't want to be with the person that you're with?) with a guy that has a girlfriend, and two kids (I'm horrible get over it). Even though I am bitter and uncaring I would normally not engage in this type of affair but he was giving me the right attention (at the right time) , saying all the right things and he was persistent. We met up a couple times it was cool... The company was good..the sex was good (he introduced me to some new things), but he was stupid.
His phone got disconnected twice for going over the minutes...because we would talk on the phone for hours everyday while we were both at work. When the phone got disconnected the second time I realized that he was calling me from the phone that he shared with his girlfriend. How much more stupid can you be....of course she would find out. Okay so she found out and she made a big stink of the whole thing. She would leave me messages like "Can you please send xxx home? I have to go to work and I need him to watch the kids. I can't afford to miss another day of work because I am not loaded like you." When the hell did I become loaded? Someone must be spending out all my money because I don't see any of it. When I finally decided to give her the time of day she cried to me about her family and at that point I started to feel a little bad for her, so I agreed not pick up the phone if he called me and not to call him. That lasted about 2 hours....I was all ready to keep up my end of the bargain until I heard that she told all kinds of people (that I know) all kinds of things that were not true, one of them being that I paid the guy to sex with me. At that point all bets were off. I stopped calling him but everytime he called me I picked up the phone and he sure did call...everyday..even at times that I did not particularly feel like talking to him (spiteful for no reason...I'm awful I know).

So recently (not sure exactly when) the girl found out that we were still talking. On Saturday she called me (from an anonymous number...I hate when people do that) and was like what is wrong with you, why are you picking up the phone everytime my man calls you. WTF!!??? Are you serious?? Are you paying my phone bill? No. So I hung the phone up on her. I came to an agreement with her and she tried to play me. Sorry talking privileges are revoked. She called me like 6 times in a row, I ignored the calls...and didn't check any of the voicemails. So last night I check my voicemail and she is cursing and carrying on. She's like I don't know what you looking for but you are going to get it...Ummm I never pursued your man...he actively pursued me and if I wanted him I would be with him and you wouldn't. She's like don't make me blow this out of proportion....Ummm go ahead. She's like don't break up my family...Umm how exactly am I breaking up your family? Your man is trying to get me to leave my man so he can be my man and I am breaking up your family. Seriously...get a life.

And get this...her man is screwing someone else....not me but someone else. I broke off what we had a little while back, but we still talk and he was telling me that he is just not happy with her...he was like she is not like you she has no ambition, she just wants to sit around and wait for me to do everything for her, la la la la...I can totally understand what he is saying because I am kind of in the same situation. It's hard to be with someone that adds no value to your life, especially when you are not "in love" with them. Anyway, I am straying from the subject....he went to this party with his cousin and his cousin hooked him up with this girl. They danced or whatever and she gave him her number. Next morning he calls me and we were talking about the whole thing and he was like should I call her. Being the cold hearted person I am I was like you are never going to be with me and you are not happy with her so try to find someone that will make you happy and have a good time....so they did! -- But yet it's me that this chick wants to curse out.....curse your man out damn it!! Leave me alone....If you want your family to work out so bad then try talking to him and finding out what the hell is wrong with your relationship....Don't call me and say some dumb shit like Oh, when my man cheats I curse/beat the girl then I go home and make love to my man....who does that??.....that is the most stupid thing I have ever heard in my life.