Love Stinks

**Sigh** You know the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.", it's bull shit, I could slap the person who came up with that crap. It's better to have never loved at all, if you never have something then you can't possibly miss it.

I had a dream last night about my ex, the love of my life, the lost one. I jumped out of bed at like 6:30 and I was so sad that I started to cry, I was supposed to get up...I started to but I couldn't, I just rolled over pulled the sheets over my head and went back to sleep (which is why I got to work at 10 AM instead of 9 AM, could have gotten here on time but can't skip my workout)….the tears were rolling all throughout my workout, I was like my eye is bothering me that's why it's watering….I got them under control now but hell I still want to cry. I can't even remember the whole dream now…I was trying to remember all the details but I couldn't. I know it was about him and me seeing each other for the first time since all that mess happened. And I kind of just told him that I still loved him …and that I would give anything to have him back. As I was talking to him his baby's mother's head kept popping up into the dream…he was saying all the right things but some how it was like they (him and his baby mama) were making fun of me. It was awful…..I woke up thinking girl you are so sad. That made me depressed (cause I know it's true) and that's why I pulled the sheets up to hide and went back to sleep. I am sure that he is not thinking about me….it's been almost 2 years. When will I get over this shit?????

This is becoming a problem. I can't let myself be happy with anyone. No one measures up to all the things I loved about him….maybe I am being selfish but I want all that stuff…the bowleg, the full lips, the love of music, even his messed up toes and big head. He can cook and clean almost as good as I can, we have a lot of the same interests and ways of thinking. He can see my dreams (it least he could have), and he knows me, he knew all my moods…when to leave me alone, when I needed more attention. He is the only person that could make me think that I wanted to do something that I didn't really want to do, the only person whose opinion I considered when making decisions. Ugghhh!! What is wrong with me.

The guy that I am with now is nice enough, he doesn't cheat, does everything I ask him to do, he is great….minus the fact that he can do absolutely nothing for me mentally or financially (his help can't even put a dent in the household bills) and that I feel more like his mother than anything else. I kind of feel bad for him and I think that is the main reason that I am still with him…well that and the fact that I don't want to live by myself....my house is too big and too scary. I like him, he is cool, he can screw and he is cute, but I can't love him. I don't know maybe I was always a coldhearted bitch and that situation was an excuse for me to let it out. I never felt this way before though, I never looked down on love…I always loved love(if that makes sense)…being in love…watching people in love…making love. Now it disgusts me….making love…what???...we F**%$#! and that's the end of it, don't try cuddling, don't ask when you going to see me again…just get off and get out. (ummm I might let you stay the night..again because I don't want to be in my house by myself but don't touch me).
So not only am I a coldhearted bitch (venting), and raging bisexual(????), today I'm also confused and stupid……today is not a good day. =(